(Sorry I’ve been sooooo darn tardy getting back for this but it seems I’m still feeling oddly out-of-sorts for some unknown reason… Honestly I just don’t know why… and that despite the title of the post, you aren’t going to get much of what it promised. My apologies in advance, but I’m going with this Diary post exactly the way it came out.)
So… the days are getting shorter, the nights colder, and the leaves are doing their annual colorful display and you all know what that means o’ Gentle Visitors? Yes, indeedy! Your Favorite Catgirl’s most creepy holiday, Halloween is almost upon us! Yay!
I know my mental lethargy has continued to keep me in it’s headlock of late but I’m hoping the fun I usually try to enjoy this very scary time of year will be the trick to break me past it and get my goofy butt motivated again. As always, I’ve been thinking to do my traditional Halloween Movie Festival Review series, and this time out our subject is “vampires”…. those blood drinking creatures of the night that have crept into just about every culture’s collective subconscious to become one of the universal critters that just about everybody knows and fears. Yep… oodles and oodles of movies, That’ll be the just the ticket for moi! ;)
What, you say? What else have I been up to these last couple months of relative obscurity? And what other “Tricks & Treats” might I have in store for this most creepy of months? Well… if you wanna know all that, you have to “Read On” and see just what sort of stuff a certain goofy lady’s been up to with all her free time then won’t you? ;)
Well although I haven’t been as chatty and available around the ol’ Litterbox as I usually am, I haven’t exactly been a big ol’ lazy slug. Nope. Our local colleges are back in session for the Fall semester and as it always is, business at the restaurant has swung back to our busy period again. Yours truly has had my hands full getting us back into the swing of things, hiring our seasonal kitchen help… part time dishwashers and prep people to fill out our ranks. Never a task I really enjoy, but oh so necessary. It’s meant for one or two additional shifts a week for me as I take care of the paperwork and details of running a kitchen. That alone pretty much filled up my August, and as always Carolyn was busy too at the college. Most of our free time? Well… my adoring wife and I have taken to spending lots of that being much more social than homebody lil’ me is usually comfy with.
Don’t get me wrong… I’m not some sort of introverted loner, “crazy-catlady-in-training” or anything like that, but know I definitely tend to prefer spending most of my time with small groups of close friends rather than being around crowds of strangers. Carolyn, now. Yep. She’s most definitely a social butterfly. Probably due to the fact that she’s always been comfortable meeting all those strangers. Not surprising given all the activities she did growing up. Cheerleader, swim team, debate club and the like. Now, me… I’ve always preferred those activities I could pretty much pursue all by myself. Anyways… now I find myself trying to share in those very social activities that my sweetie really enjoys, and I normally avoid like the plague, as much as I can. Especially since she’s always been so willing to do all the stuff I like… some of which I just know bore her silly.
So, rather than 3 or 4 nights of movie watchin’ on the couch a week, we now get out for drinks, dinner, and dancing a couple evenings instead. Being officially married has given Carolyn the comfort she’s needed to relax in public and stop worrying about what people might think about us doing all the stuff other couples take for granted. Her biggest secret is all out in the open for the world to see and so finally she’s dropped the invisible facade she’s always kept between herself and everybody. It’s wonderful how happy it’s made her and I would never think to rob her of the chance to spread her wings and fly, luxuriating in the feelings of freedom that it’s brought her. So of course I want to be right there with her and share in her new expression of herself. Of her expression of “Us”…. even if I find enjoying it myself a bit of a struggle at times. Darn it!! I’m rambling… and that’s not what I wanted to write about this time out.
Sorry… This is exactly the sort of thing that’s happened these last couple months when I sit to write and try to Blog. At this point I normally get all annoyed and delete things and start all over again, or just plain stop altogether and then promise I’ll get back to it when my mood improves. Except that doesn’t seem to happen. It’s like being trapped in a loop. Grrrrrrr!!!!
*******
Alright. So OK… I took a break for a while. Took a short walk, went to the coffee shop, had a warm steamy cup to straighten out my thoughts, and came back home again. But I’m not gonna just “delete” and start over. Not this time. Even if this isn’t what I started out to write. So… better or worse… here goes.
If you’ve been around the Litterbox for a while o’ Gentle Visitors, then you pretty much know I write in a very “stream of consciousness” way. I always have a general idea what I’m ready to write about, but I normally do it by just doing it…. I just write. Whatever thoughts come to mind just as I’m thinking about them. It may not be the best way to do things…. but it has always felt more “real”. Like having a conversation with somebody. Problem with doing things that way is that sometimes the thoughts and ideas that bubble up aren’t the ones you want at that particular moment. Like now. Now I can’t stay focused. Can’t feel inspired and motivated. Can’t understand… why. Even when I’m given super happy news from one of you, o’ Gentle Visitors, that has me so very giddy and especially pleased today.
What the heck is wrong? Why am I so unsettled and unmotivated and so trapped in that loop? Seriously. I literally have no reason to be this… “unsettled”. That’s the best word for it. I’m not unhappy. Not afraid of anything. Carolyn has noticed something, I know she has. Sweetheart that she is though, she hasn’t pushed me about my odd mood. Probably just assumes it’s one of my seasonal mood swings. That’s what I thought it was, and maybe it is. If so…. compared to the insomnia I get in the Spring, it’s a whole lot more annoying.
One thing I’m pretty sure of… it’s not Depression. Clinical or otherwise. I mean, I’m certainly not gloomy or sad or unhappy in any way. Chemical Imbalance? Heck… I’m not a doctor. Seeing mine soon might be a definite idea though…
Ummmm. OK. Still rambling. Definitely not what I want. The damn “loop” again…
I could keep this up all day, but I’ve a sense I’m gonna get nowhere fast. Here’s where I have to really decide whether to post this or not. Reading it back, it definitely makes me sound a little crazy. Not the impression I want to give about this.
Deep breath. OK. I’m going for it. Anyways…. really, really, really sorry if this isn’t the post you expected, o’ Gentle Visitors, but it seems it’s what I got this time out. Please don’t get all worried or whatever…. I just need to somehow figure this out, figure out what’s really bothering me, and everything will be back to normal. That’s the goal. That will happen. Somehow.
Till then, “Meow, meow for now.”
